Dear Daddy, your girlfriend is pregnant.

Dear Daddy,

Your girlfriend is pregnant.

But you already know this. I have seen how easily you snap at everyone who questions you about your sudden pensiveness. This information is more for myself than for you. I couldn’t bring myself to telling you- no, asking you if she really is your girlfriend, so I thought I would write instead.

I always thought you were the best father anyone could have but now I do not know what to think of you. I do not know what to think of your principles and show of love. Maybe that is what it really is, a show. Remember when I told you that Konama’s dad had another wife and child in Takoradi, unknown to his family? Remember what you said to me? You said that the test of a real man is in his fidelity to his wife. Please was that before or after you started sleeping with the usher? You know the one I am talking about, Asorepayin’s niece, Quansema.

I do hope that you have some decency left in you not to deny this because it is not mere accusation if I have the evidence to support it. You know this, because you taught me. I saw the text messages. I saw the pictures she sent to you, and I read the unspeakable things you promised to do to her. I also saw her last message to you. It was confirmation that your secret activities had resulted in a living being, which would soon have a name – or not, if she goes ahead with the abortion as you advised. Yes, I know that too.

It is not my place to, but I feel so betrayed by this. You said no man was bad enough to warrant our judgement so I won’t judge you. I already have issues of my own to deal with. I finally got a job. I am the new Payroll Administrator at Mabel Copes. We, among other things, actually assist young girls with contraceptives and the abortion of unplanned pregnancies. I am sure the Catholic in you is petrified, initially I was too afraid to tell you. But think of it this way, your girlfriend can now have a safe abortion, if she wants to, instead of taking the concoctions you suggested to her. Now let’s thank God, for He indeed works in mysterious ways.

I don’t know if you’re worried about breaking Mama’s heart but please don’t be. She’s been planning to leave you since I was in Secondary school. She always said you were cheating on her. She didn’t have real proof then but thanks to you, well, she’ll soon have some. She’s also almost done with the 5-Bedroom house she’s secretly building in Takoradi. It’s the real reason she visits Grandma so often; it has nothing to do with the old lady’s health. It’s also how I know about Konama’s father’s secret wife. It was she who found out, and told me.

You know Daddy, the irony of all this is that, it is Konama who told me about your girlfriend. She is friends with her, and they are both in the ushering department. When Quansema started showing up to church in different Brazilian and Peruvian weaves, flashing iPhones and fancy bags every week, Konama’s radar went red.

When she found out who Konama’s sugar daddy really was, I am sure she was besides herself with joy. I was almost sold at the sympathetic performance with which she broke the news to me. Then I saw how her eyes lit up when she showed me the screenshots of your conversations with Quansema, and how she laid out her anticipated reactions of Father Gregory and the Parish Pastoral Council, as well as how Asorepayin would take the news. She was having the time of her life narrating the drama that would unfold.

You know she’s not particularly fond of me. She was only telling me this to score another invisible point in her imaginary competition of who is the better of the two of us. At least she’s told me of skeletons in our family’s closet but she’s so blinded by her own perceived perfection of her family that she’s not bothered to shed her FBI torch on them.

Though everyone in the church thinks she will be going to the convent, I know she is no saint. I have also heard that her brother has a boyfriend, and the real reason Asorepayin is often unable to reconcile the church’s budgets is not because of his old age but his sweet tooth and itchy fingers but all of this is none of  my business.

I shouldn’t bore you further daddy, I am sure you have weightier things to occupy your mind at this time. Knowing Konama’s prowess as a gossip, the whole church will know by Sunday what’s going on between you and Quansema. That leaves you 3 days and 12 hours to either get ahead of the story and brace your shame, or flee. I don’t think the church will miss their promiscuous-usher impregnating-catechist an awful lot.

Your Ex- Daughter

Adoma